Brown Lake RR, cat4 ladies graduate from Etiquette School

From the Team Car
Bear Lake, the only 3 day race that's not a stage race..what else could I say?..I believe mind numbing would sum it up. The most interesting features of the course are the pot holes and cattle guards.."Point it out!". So who really cares about the results, The good stuff is what happened before the finish line..like during registration when everyone blew out the Facilities. Bike racer eat plenty of fiber and most have a case of pre-race mud butt. Subsequently the toilets quickly be came know as Brown Water Resort.

During the 1-2 race there was action of a different nature, Dave "hard wood" Harward(porcupine/specialized) got off the front.. He dangle there for 60+ mile before becoming mesmerized by the Merman of the lake. That merman was no other than Ryan "turdbo" Barrett(canyon development).

In the final miles Turbo, Sam"no-doze"Krieg(ice), Ben"shrim on tha barbi"King(fly V australia), Eric"shaggy"Flynn(ffkr/sbo), Todd"haggard man"hageman(cole sport), Sohmy(porcupine/specialized), Nate Page(mi duole/barbacoa), and Camzilla got off the front..and stayed away. Somehow those guy got out sprinted by Barret... as he crossed the line Ryan was hear yelling "suck it L'autobus! I'm funnier than you'll ever be".

Master racing was pretty quiet, with Mark Zimbleman taking the weekend off Bountiful Mazda was free to race as team and without incident. Apparently the older guys interpret the yellow line rule differently. When there is no yellow line, they all ride on the LEFT side of the road. They almost all got killed by a pickup pulling a horse trailer. The pickup truck driver was not happy and gunned it right at the group.

In the 4's Eric Gardiner took the win, looks like he has changed teams.. and his thigh highs have been revoked. Speaking of switching teams, Tyler Riedesel isn't such a kuhl guy anymore, now he rides with Canyon development. Hopeful Turbo can teach him how to crit...If the team doesn't over throw his reign as Manager. Eric Moore was "Moore" than disappointed about having his bike yanked out from under him prior to the state crit.. it did lead to his own Master Card commercial though..

"join a "team" get team bike and clothes: $4kHours a weeks spent training to be weekend warrior: 20Having your "Director" pull you from the race to watch your team mate not win on your bike: Priceless"

Tatts McGee made the move from Cyclesmith to Porcupine/specialized.. and got his Cat2... hope you're ready.

Travis"t-pain"Horton(ffkr/sbo) was recently seen exiting the offices of Dr. Max Testicles. Apparently Horton has been experiencing a leg imbalance, this picture(above) from the downtown crit shows the drastic measures taken to correct the problem. Sorry ladies he's married.

No-Man's Land
The 1-2 ladies like it hard and fast, Bear lake did not disappoint. In the later part of the race a brake formed containing KK(pcim), Kris"cross" Walker(ice), Laura"to hot"Howat(ski utah), Nisie"peanut butter cup"Antacle(pcim) and Margaret"kirk"Douglas(ski utah). Walker refused to work, Nisie was about to read Walker the riot act but was quickly put in her place by captain KK..rrr! ..cat fight! Walker went up the road for a few kilometers but was brought back into the break by the Cat5 field who kindly drafted the other ladies up to her. On the line Walker got her way and the Victory..ouch ladies.
Sources tell me that the Cat4 ladies seemed to be taking cues from L'autobus. They're minding their P's and Q's and even pretending to pull through on the front.. Speaking of being on the front...several of the Ski Utah women got in a scratching, hair pulling fight at the post race raffle for a date with Gardie"gigolo"Jackson(cole sport). All is well as they agreed on an "group date" as long as each takes a turn at the front.

I guess there's drama in the ladies mountain bike scene but nobody cares, mountain biking is just something we do in the fall to pass the time... why do you think all the best mtb racers turned to road.. cause the dirt is boring.

Cat5 Tattoo

It seem obvious that Skullcandy/JSA architects has the strongest team in the 4's, those guys play team tactics and attack the race like crazy. 4's if you haven't figured it out yet.. let me hip you to it.. Skullcandy is your free ride to victory. Get in a break with one of those guys, They'll work their ass off and they're always just blown enough to not get the W.

Love me or hate me you know you want to read me..L'autobus is like reality TV or a car wreck.. you just cant' tear yourself away..Keep sending the dirt to Lautobus411@yahoo.com .

see you at the Crits this weekend. If you're pissed cause you're going out of town and missing Sugarhouse, be double pissed cause now we got Jordanelle crit and that looks like a winner...oh yeah and your gonna slip down the UCA points ranking.. boo whoo.

Donkeys, circle jerks and training wheels.. thats your state crit

From the Team Car
Crits, the perfect place for getting the scoop. People are always lingering around post race talking about their highs or lows, who did what and how sketchy it was. Tensions run high and every corner is an opportunity for drama.

For the 12k dream team the drama started pre race with an inter team struggle. Mike(sleevie) Booth's bike came down with a broken shifter just hours before the race. The team director(turbo) decided that since Sleeve-O is the team star and since Erik Moore rides the same size bike, Moore would give up his bike and his race. Hard time for Moore but Sleevie did deliver on the finish line.

In the 1-2 race 50 guys threw down for a 1.5 hr circle jerk. According to some "it was not terribly fast from the start" others had their tongues on their top tubes. 30 minutes in, a group got of the front, it contained Dave "hard wood" Harward, Tanner "baby face"Putt, Sleevie, Ali "socks" Goulet, Sohmy, Clinger and a few guys without cool nicknames. Socks and Hard Wood were putting in attacks with the hope of dislodging Clinger, it worked. Clinger came loose, dangling in no mans land for a few laps.. not the no mans land full of cat4 pirate hookers, just caught between the break and the peloton. Anyway the break eventually lapped the field..This is when it got interesting.

Sources tell me that Goulet(ffkr-sbo)won't shut up in the group, I never got an exact quote but apparently he was all worked up about something, riding around front of the field braying like an ass.
It could have been Tyler Riedesel(kuhl) that had Goulet all worked up, from what I hear Tyler was bouncing off jersey barriers and riding in un-funny ways, Riedesel was hell bent on tenth place, trying his hardest to get off the front in the last few laps. In the end Canyon Development and FFKR-SBO came to the front to drive it for Cameron"camzilla" Hoffman(bikers edge) who took the state crit title with almost no teammates... Mike Booth(canyon development) and Ali Goulet(ffkr-sbo) were second and third losers respectively.

The 3's saw a three man break get free in the later half of the race, and that was the race. Justin"tatts mcgee"Healy(cyclesmith), Eric "ET" Thompson(ski utah) and Jeremy "no nick name" Collins took turns in the break till the final laps, at which point Tatts Mcgee solo-ed to the win. Later my sources overheard Healy and friends speculating on who writes L'autobus and Justin was quoted as saying "I'm making L'autobus for sure", and there you go, immortalized on the interweb for all eternity, nick name and the whole 9.

For the second week in row Dave Cole(skullcandy) put on his dunce cap... Winning the second to last lap of the 35+B race Apparently Cole thought the race was over and crossed the line arms raised with a lap yet to go. Mark Rosello(porcupine cycling) took the win but Coles actions were the best part of the race..hands down.

in the master's 45+, Bountiful Mazda continued their intrasquad rivalry. Mark Zimbelman tried to reduce the competition by crashing before the race and taking down Zan Treasure, who could only bunny-hop half-way over him. It was no use, as Zan, riding one handed due to his injuries, was able to lead out Gary Swain(bountiful mazda) and Jeff Ure(bountiful mazda)for first and second in the 45+. Apparently racing the 35s and 45s together is not the best idea, as reports said there were lots of crashes and confusion. Or maybe it was Zan's one-handed riding causing the crashes.

No-Man's Land

The womens Cat 1-2-3 race was boring, it wasn't slow or lacking in attacks, but to my knowledge no one got punched in the butt or called a bitch.. snoozers!.. Tiff Pezullo(dft/treads) did however over come a her against the world scenario to become state champ with Kirsten "KK" Kotval(pcim) and Laura Howat(ski utah) in 2nd and 3rd.

Stephanie "caddy cathy" Falls(i.c.e.)won the ladies 4-5 group. I didn't see the race but I would imagine she used her skills to dominate the field.. sit on the break, pretending to be tired, curse out her breakaway companions and then out sprint them for the win... she's ready to race with the big girls.

SandBaggers
Congratulations are in order for Tyler Wall(ski utah) junior 17-18 state champ, he blew the training wheels off the competition as a warm up for his cat3 race. Even if you only finish 27th in the 3's its time to stop going to the sandbox to kick sand in the kids eyes.. good thing Connor O'leary(ffkr-sbo) didn't line up!

Dirt merchant Brandon Cross(cannondale-monavie) was shoe in for the cat5 state title. Cross regularly finishes in the top ten of Icup pro races but proved that even Cat5's can hand it to mountain dorks. You can be a full on mountain bike pro but you'll never be able to win a roadie race cause your leg hair has to much drag. Mike Luper(skullcandy) did the right thing, letting Cross wear himself out on the front of the race and then pimping him on the last lap to take the state title.

Cat5 Tattoo
One of my readers sent this pic.

This is the new spokes-calf for LOTOJA. The slogan for the 2010 edition will be- "LOTOJA once you do it you get a calf tatt". You know what happens, as soon as you tattoo your ladies name on your body, you're destined to break up... I bet this calf hasn't had a good lotoja since the tattoo... If you know who's calf this is, comment and you'll win a prize.