Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Donkeys, circle jerks and training wheels.. thats your state crit

From the Team Car
Crits, the perfect place for getting the scoop. People are always lingering around post race talking about their highs or lows, who did what and how sketchy it was. Tensions run high and every corner is an opportunity for drama.

For the 12k dream team the drama started pre race with an inter team struggle. Mike(sleevie) Booth's bike came down with a broken shifter just hours before the race. The team director(turbo) decided that since Sleeve-O is the team star and since Erik Moore rides the same size bike, Moore would give up his bike and his race. Hard time for Moore but Sleevie did deliver on the finish line.

In the 1-2 race 50 guys threw down for a 1.5 hr circle jerk. According to some "it was not terribly fast from the start" others had their tongues on their top tubes. 30 minutes in, a group got of the front, it contained Dave "hard wood" Harward, Tanner "baby face"Putt, Sleevie, Ali "socks" Goulet, Sohmy, Clinger and a few guys without cool nicknames. Socks and Hard Wood were putting in attacks with the hope of dislodging Clinger, it worked. Clinger came loose, dangling in no mans land for a few laps.. not the no mans land full of cat4 pirate hookers, just caught between the break and the peloton. Anyway the break eventually lapped the field..This is when it got interesting.

Sources tell me that Goulet(ffkr-sbo)won't shut up in the group, I never got an exact quote but apparently he was all worked up about something, riding around front of the field braying like an ass.
It could have been Tyler Riedesel(kuhl) that had Goulet all worked up, from what I hear Tyler was bouncing off jersey barriers and riding in un-funny ways, Riedesel was hell bent on tenth place, trying his hardest to get off the front in the last few laps. In the end Canyon Development and FFKR-SBO came to the front to drive it for Cameron"camzilla" Hoffman(bikers edge) who took the state crit title with almost no teammates... Mike Booth(canyon development) and Ali Goulet(ffkr-sbo) were second and third losers respectively.

The 3's saw a three man break get free in the later half of the race, and that was the race. Justin"tatts mcgee"Healy(cyclesmith), Eric "ET" Thompson(ski utah) and Jeremy "no nick name" Collins took turns in the break till the final laps, at which point Tatts Mcgee solo-ed to the win. Later my sources overheard Healy and friends speculating on who writes L'autobus and Justin was quoted as saying "I'm making L'autobus for sure", and there you go, immortalized on the interweb for all eternity, nick name and the whole 9.

For the second week in row Dave Cole(skullcandy) put on his dunce cap... Winning the second to last lap of the 35+B race Apparently Cole thought the race was over and crossed the line arms raised with a lap yet to go. Mark Rosello(porcupine cycling) took the win but Coles actions were the best part of the race..hands down.

in the master's 45+, Bountiful Mazda continued their intrasquad rivalry. Mark Zimbelman tried to reduce the competition by crashing before the race and taking down Zan Treasure, who could only bunny-hop half-way over him. It was no use, as Zan, riding one handed due to his injuries, was able to lead out Gary Swain(bountiful mazda) and Jeff Ure(bountiful mazda)for first and second in the 45+. Apparently racing the 35s and 45s together is not the best idea, as reports said there were lots of crashes and confusion. Or maybe it was Zan's one-handed riding causing the crashes.

No-Man's Land
The womens Cat 1-2-3 race was boring, it wasn't slow or lacking in attacks, but to my knowledge no one got punched in the butt or called a bitch.. snoozers!.. Tiff Pezullo(dft/treads) did however over come a her against the world scenario to become state champ with Kirsten "KK" Kotval(pcim) and Laura Howat(ski utah) in 2nd and 3rd.

Stephanie "caddy cathy" Falls(i.c.e.)won the ladies 4-5 group. I didn't see the race but I would imagine she used her skills to dominate the field.. sit on the break, pretending to be tired, curse out her breakaway companions and then out sprint them for the win... she's ready to race with the big girls.

Congratulations are in order for Tyler Wall(ski utah) junior 17-18 state champ, he blew the training wheels off the competition as a warm up for his cat3 race. Even if you only finish 27th in the 3's its time to stop going to the sandbox to kick sand in the kids eyes.. good thing Connor O'leary(ffkr-sbo) didn't line up!

Dirt merchant Brandon Cross(cannondale-monavie) was shoe in for the cat5 state title. Cross regularly finishes in the top ten of Icup pro races but proved that even Cat5's can hand it to mountain dorks. You can be a full on mountain bike pro but you'll never be able to win a roadie race cause your leg hair has to much drag. Mike Luper(skullcandy) did the right thing, letting Cross wear himself out on the front of the race and then pimping him on the last lap to take the state title.

Cat5 Tattoo
One of my readers sent this pic.

This is the new spokes-calf for LOTOJA. The slogan for the 2010 edition will be- "LOTOJA once you do it you get a calf tatt". You know what happens, as soon as you tattoo your ladies name on your body, you're destined to break up... I bet this calf hasn't had a good lotoja since the tattoo... If you know who's calf this is, comment and you'll win a prize.