Wednesday, July 1, 2009

No one is a winner, so don't be a loser

No one has correctly guessed the Hi-U worst calves.. so here is a hint. Sohmy, Alex"no calves"rock and ___. first two correct guesses wins a L'autobus Tshirt. email you guess along with T size, and shipping address to or shoot it on myface.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Find your match with L'autobus Harmony

No-Man's Land
Perhaps this instalment should be called "
Lucky Man's Land".. . Tayler Wiles(pcim) and Matt Bradley(skullcandy-jsa) were spotted pal-ing around at Hi-u, how else was Tayler gona get to Evanston? one of my sources was able to get a pic of them and their "friendship" necklace.. If I were Bradley I'd get "with benefits" engraved on my half.. just to see if it works.

Reportedly Tayler finds tatts appealing, to bad for Clinger(cole sport) as his are on the way out....after running our L'autobus compatibility test we decided Sleevie(canyon development) is a match...but then again The Claw(canyon draper) came up as a match as well...Eharmony we are not.

Kelsey Kooreman(pcim) was spotted with Tri stud Lee Saber(vivid video).. tell me thats not a "stage name". These two were photographed "helping" each other prior to some event.. funny how the photos show the "Saber" zipping up Kels but then they're walking unzipped together..hmmm? I'm not sure if the event was called BAM or if thats just what happened...

From the Team Car

Patrick Fasse(ski utah) was recently dropped on the first climb of the Little Mountain Road Race, subsequently he has been dropped from Ski Utah.
With nowhere left to turn Fasse signed up as a mail order husband, he was quickly bought up by a well to do bachelorette and will be shipped of to Chicago at months end. Check
FaceBook for time and location of the bachelor party.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Hypothermia AssKick the stage race that keeps you guessing

No wimps! No whiners!
High Uintas Classic a.k.a. Hypothermia Ass Kick, a true hard mans race... those that tried to H.T.F.U. found themselves folded up on the side of the road, quivering like babies, wishing they had stayed home. The early categories got off easy, minimal rain and strong tail winds to the finish, all the racers behind the 1-2 field got got a intimate look at the pain cave, no less than 200 people were pulled of Bald mountain pass suffering from hypothermia.. No wimps! No whiners and no results till almost ten at night!
Promoters and officials built the suspense like a Stephen king choose your own adventure novel where the author f*%k$ with you. Did you get the right time? did you get a KOM bonus, how much time will you have to make up in the TT and the Crit..oh by the way the crit doesn't count anymore.. hope you're a TT monster.

Speaking of TT monsters, Cat3 Josh/David Brockbank(canyon draper) smoked everyone and I mean everyone in the TT, beating 1-2 winner Sam Krieg(ice) by 20+ seconds..what a freak. When asked about the spanking, Krieg indicated he was slowed by the wet roads..

Even though the stage race was officially over after the TT, it was still anybodys guess as to the final GC. The officials must have been laughing to themselves as they held the GC results till the Crit was almost over.. is it to late to protest my road race result?

Fresh air, Freedom and Ass-less Chaps!

Residence of Evanston are a friendly and rare breed. New York has the Naked Cowboy, Evanston has the Ass-less Chaps Guy... this guy came up from his "dude" ranch to volunteer with the race, he also claimed to have a fan club which was comprised of little boys....I knew Evanston had porn and beer but who knew they had so much diversity.
Evanston locals know how to party and look forward to the Hi-U beer and pizza party, these guys were all about post race recovery, soaking their legs in the fountain while enjoying the annual sexy calves contest.

Worst Calves contest
As you know L'autobus does things a little different so we now present the first annual Hi-U worst calves contest. We have already picked the contestants now you can win a L'autobus Tshirt by being the first to name these 3 sorry specimens.

send your answers to , include your shipping address and Tshirt size. **hint, all the calves are male and two of them are from the Cat2 field.**

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Cyclist stimulate Logan economy and Training Secrets revealed

last week L'autobus pulled up to Myface honked the horn and people started piling on. Its amazing how many of you want to ride the bus even though the driver rarely has a nice word for ya. I guess its just human nature, we can help but look at the road side accident or laugh when the little kid eats it on his bike.

Speaking of people loving to hate L'autobus, Bountiful Mazda has a mole in their midst, every week I get a direct feed and this week the word is Zimbleman and Tueller are pissed at the Bus. Apparently they aren't enjoying their 15minutes of fame.. not sure why Tueller has his chamois in a bunch as this will be his first ride on the bus.. as for Zimbleman, L'autobus doesn't make the rumors we just spread 'em.

Rumors spreading like hot butter

Sources in the PCIM camp indicate that Clinger(cole sport) has a crush on hottie #1 Taylor Wiles(pcim)..then again 90% of the voting peloton has a crush on Wiles. Not sure what her connection to Matt Bradley(skullcandy) is..bff-s? maybe shes just using him for a ride to events...Those close to Bradley say he has a different girl friend every week and Taylor is not one of on guys.

The Internet has been telling me about certain racers doing "secret training". Eric Martin(skullcandy) and Dave Harward(specialized-porcupine) have invested thousands of $'s into something referred to as "legal EPO", according to the Internet they sleep in a hyperbaric chamber with the Elephant Man bones, the bones are on loan from Never Land Ranch.
FaceBook revealed that Cameron Hoffman(bikers edge) is also doing some "secret training".. I'm not sure if three hits from Michael Phelps high altitude bong counts as training, though recent studies show that the Phelps High Altitude Bong lowers perceived race times up to 50% and shortens recovery time by stimulating appetite.

Economic Stimulus
Logan received a monetary shot in arm last week as cyclist raced into the valley for the state road race. With the early race start and long commute, most racers were pushing the recommended speeds on their way to the venue. Couple that with fluctuating speed limits and it was like shooting fish in a barrel.

This appeared to be all part of an evil plan to stuff some dollars in the Logan valley coffers. Seem as though Logan police had made a deal to turn a blind eye to the race in exchange for hitting their ticketing quota two weeks early... some say that is why the race start was set for 9am.

While I'm ranting about Logan, lets talk lotoja and who wouldn't want. Own the 2008 LOTOJA Pro 1,2 Winning Bike!

Mr. Hoffman put himself out there with this ad for his old steed... and here is a taste of the challenges he's faced:

1fixedgear-Does that mean you are rad?

camzilla- This was the team bike for American I guess that does mean that I was once RADD, but not Rad. Are you interested in buying or just poking fun at me?

1fixedgear- Does this mean that you cease to be rad because you are selling your radness? Yes, I am poking fun at you. What can I say, you made it too easy.

Leave it up to some fixie fruit cake to go around bullying people on the net .. . where does he find the time? With all the time these guys spend trying not to look like they're trying, its a wonder they can even hold down a job. And you gotta have a job..worn out Vans and shoe lace belts aren't cheap.. don't even ask how much the skinny jeans are.

Wheres the Beef?
Fox and Gregg Steele have beef, these two heifers got into it over some Ebay milk gone sour... things escalated and apparently Fox called the cops to report Steel for hassling him via facebook, blogspot and possibly twitter... multi media bullying is the domain of real tuff guys, like giving someone the finger on the highway, you know you won't have to back it up.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Interview: Naked Guy from The Gap & Hotties of the Peloton- late release!

Recently we caught up with the Naked Guy from The Gap. He was an animated character with a hairy but freshly shaven chest, stunning and repugnant all at once. This is what he had to say.

L’Autobus: When did you discover your affinity for the jock strap?
N.G.f.T.G.: Early on in high school I discovered that I have the ability to sport one of the best jocks in any demographic, and more importantly the motivation to wear the best athletic supporter in the world.

L’Autobus: What about your childhood? All kids have dreams growing up, you must have had aspirations as a boy.
N.G.f.T.G: Growing up, it was always my dream to rock the jock at a Division 1A University. This dream was almost realized when I made the trip to the University of Washington where due to injury I was unable to compete and was forced to find another outlet for my special talents.

L’Autobus: That must have been a blow to the ego, how did you go on?
N.G.f.T.G: After the great disappointment of having one of my dreams ripped from my grasp, I discovered cycling as a much more forgiving sport in which I could rock the jock without injury. After a year of rocking the jock in different disciplines I finally settled on road bike racing. Once I applied myself to this specific discipline, success was iminent. Over a period of 18 months, I progressed from rocking my jock at the RMR to rockin’ it at the Gap! a feat which few have the ability to accomplish.

L’Autobus: That’s amazing! What made you choose The Gap as the place to get buck naked and flap your junk?
N.G.f.T.G: After suffering a broken ankle, I decided to use the Gap as the base for my 2009 début. It was here that I found a community that believes in me and my jock strap and is filled with individuals that will do anything in their power to help me rock it.

Hotties of the Peloton - late release

Here are some more Hotties for your voting pleasure. Remember if you or your hot one has been left out, its not to late... send your pics to us or hit us up at Facebook.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Garden Creek Gripe a.k.a. Hamburger Hill

From the Team Car
It's amazing that the Groupetto that is utah cycling survived a double crit weekend only to be taken out by an innocent looking road race. The Gap isn't as kind as the name suggests, rather it was visited by its "special friend" and ran red with the blood of utah cyclist. All the usual signs were there, irritability, bloating, was that time of the year.
It started in the 1-2 field, on lap one Ali "skills" Goulet(ffkr-sbo) drew first blood, not with a vicious attack but with a crash. I though this guy was supposed to be a bike handler, instead he got handled. Sources say he took himself out "it was the strangest thing, he just rode off into the ditch". On the second time up the climb Sleevie(canyon development) tangled with Hageman(cole sport) and Harward(porcupine-specialized), resulting in Harward not making the front group and sidelining Hageman and himself.

Todd sustained a puncture that would require stitches and Sleeve-O will require some touch up work on his tatts. Harward was pissed, indicating he was feeling good "they weren't going that hard on the climbs".

Cat3 points leader Erik"red herring"Harrington canned himself, crashing on one of the stoney corners of the course. Eye witness accounts saw Harrington(cyclesmith) tumble into a field loosing his front wheel.
The ladies 1-2's were not without incident, on the final climb Laura Harward attacked Kris Walker's(ice) rear wheel resulting in close inspection of the road surface, ouch... Rachel Cieslewicz(monavie-cannondale) was caught in this mess and hit the deck as well, some how avoiding injury. Harward was not so lucky...
The irritability and disillusion set in as soon as the racing was over. Missy the official was getting it from all angles. You couldn't pay me enough to stand in the hot sun all day waiting for dorks in spandex to yell at you cause they're not listed in 15th place or cause they didn't know there were rules about gearing. Some people don't like the rules and some people don't know the rules but all people feel like they should be the exception...

Keegan Swenson(cole sport) managed an exception, narrowly avoiding being "Putt-ed" off the Cat5 podium for not using jr. gears. You'd think that every junior on the Cole Sport team would know about jr gearing by now, I guess as long as you're not trying to deceive the officials they'll cut you some slack.

Were you missing from the results at The Gripe? maybe it was because you didn't have a chip? or maybe it was cause you had a chip!

News flash the Losing Time chips are not the end all. Losing Time sent a tech to get the bugs out of the system but people are still getting DN F-ed.
One masters racer was quoted "timing chips are gay!". I don't think he meant gay like they find other timing chips attractive, more 80's style gay... like totally not cool.
Here's another news flash, make sure you're on the results before you leave the race... there is a protest period for a reason.

If you're wondering about your state TT result, Do-Overs are Wednesday at the International Center, first rider off at 5:45am.. don't forget your chip!
Coaches Corner
Apparently the Cat4 break was in need of organization, at least according to Chris Mackay(cole sport)... Coach Chris went into action directing guys when and how to pull through, all Cat4's should bring $20 to the next clinic.
The 4's had intermingled with the Masters, and as John Mckone(cole sport) was laying waste to Bountiful Mazda he dragged some 4's to the finish...despite knowing how to pace line Chris is primarily a dirt merchant... he didn't expect the other 4's to follow the fastest wheel to the line, subsequently he ended up 3rd on the line... this led to a funny situation as Mckone confronted the some 4's saying "see the difference?" point to himself then Mackay, "ride the right race.. make sure you're on the right train" was like an episode of Sesame St... One of these guys is not like the other, one of these guys is not the same...
Turbo(canyon development) turned 39 the other day, Happy Birthday! Barret blogged that he resolved to do something Awesome everyday from here on out.. Like the time he took Eric Moore's(no ride) bike from him.. that was Awesome!

No-Man's Land
Ladies Cat4's continue to have controversy, I hear grumblings that the I.C.E. ladies are using strange tactics to control the race. Supposedly the ladies of I.C.E. would dart their front wheels at anyone trying to pass, or run you into a pothole... this all sounds pretty crazy to me... first off you can't take someone out with your front wheel, only yourself, secondly running someone into a pothole? that's not a tactic, its a mistake and really a rider is responsible for their own line. Sure it's nice if riders point things out but its not a rule.. either way ladies be careful or you might get slapped with a lawsuit for lack of handling skill... it is illegal to lack skills right?

In more Cole Sport news, This picture was sent to me by a reader.

Not unlike a Big Foot sighting, Brad Gehrig was spotted dancing in nothing but a jock strap. I know public urination is a problem for the UCA.. I'm sure nudity is next on the list.

Cat5 Tattoo

Actual Cat5 tattoo on the winning Cat5 calf!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Vote for the Hotties of the Peloton!

Vote for your favorite hotties be it guy or gal.. you can vote multiple time and for multiple hotties, refer to the pics. Polls are open till 6.29.09 @ 12am. late entries will be posted soon so submit your pics and try your luck.. you might be the hottest.

submit pics to


Thursday, May 28, 2009

DQ weekend and Hotties of the Peloton

From the Team Car
Crits are a funny thing, you can be the strongest guy in the field and still get 2nd to last... case in point- Reed Wycoff(contender) is cat4 destroyer but one man can't bring back the break and win the sprint. One of the interesting things about crits are all the opportunities for trash talk, If you didn't win you probably have a laundry list of who wronged you... this guy cut me off, so and so bumped me, I was just about to win when the guy in front of me let a gap open.

None are more vocal than the Masters field, If you don't ride just so one of them will let you have it. I guess Skullcandy decided to do the masters 35b race clinic.. they received lots of feed back, mainly from Bob"Father Christmas" Walker(bountiful mazda). As the saying goes "its better to give than receive", well Walker was in a giving mood handing out verbal lashing lap after lap.. i hope those Skullcandy guys learned a thing or two.

Here is the deal people, pack racing has variables. Ride in a predictable manner and watch out for the action ahead and for the guy behind you griping about this and that, he needs to stay out of your back wheel! end of story! If something goes down up front and your reaction causes the guy behind to go down.. that's his problem.. perhaps they should be watching their line instead of telling you to watch yours.

The real danger of local crits is getting disqualified. The 1-2 field saw a string of DQ's this weekend, first at Sugarhouse and then the next day at Jordanelle. At Sugarhouse Fox thought it was a cross race and was handing out $'s during the 1-2 race. The officials didn't care for that. They decided to kick Fox out of the venue and DQed multiple riders for "illegal feed", I don't think anyone ate the money though.

Fox was so pissed he went straight home to blog about it, stating that because of this he will never again race a UCA or USAC event in Utah.... seriously? If you're gonna make threats at least threaten to blow up the Officials trailer.. Fox hasn't raced in years and when he was racing it wasn't on the road.

On the other end of the spectrum, nice guy Turbo(canyon Development) tried to smooth things out with a mellow posting... kinda swinging from the official's labia if you ask me.

Maybe road racing is stupid, maybe its to serious, but if it wasn't what would i write about? I went to a mountain bike race once, everyone was happy to see each other, no hard stares or angry officials yelling at people for poor # placement. Pretty boring... the only drama was postponing the race due to muddy trails. Apparently Fox doesn't like Dirt racing either, posting this on monday's love in.

Back to the DQ's though, I don't know about doping but i do know about cheating.. and its never to early to start. Tanner"baby face"Putt(cole sport) collected the W at the Jordanelle crit but was quickly DQed for not running Jr. gears. It wasn't that simple though, Putt crossed the finish line and went straight to the Northwave tent for a wheel change, trying to pull the wool over the officials eyes. Good thing there were a few stool pigeons to alert the officials...It sucks for Putt cause he could of spun the 53x14 to a fine second behind Goulet, instead he got nun-th place..and that's why road racing is so fun.

Public Service Announcement
D.A.R.E., Dudes against rectal exposure would like to remind you to replace your shorts at least every couple seasons.
Brian"flyin Brian" Boudreau(D.A.R.E) was doing his best to force the field off his wheel at Sugarhouse, not with leg strength though. Boudreau figured wearing his favorite see through bibs would keep people back... its time to retire those shorts or at least lend them to the ladies 1-2 field. ** comment on what Brian's thought bubble should say and be immortalized on the interweb forever**

Hotties of the Peloton
Have you ever been out on a training ride and come across a guy or gal that made you want to draft for a while? the kind of cyclist that you'd let drive it on the front never wanting to pull through...we'll I've rounded up some pics of those people.... the Hotties of the Peloton.
Take a good look, voting starts later today.. if you're feeling left out, shoot me a pic @

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Brown Lake RR, cat4 ladies graduate from Etiquette School

From the Team Car
Bear Lake, the only 3 day race that's not a stage race..what else could I say?..I believe mind numbing would sum it up. The most interesting features of the course are the pot holes and cattle guards.."Point it out!". So who really cares about the results, The good stuff is what happened before the finish during registration when everyone blew out the Facilities. Bike racer eat plenty of fiber and most have a case of pre-race mud butt. Subsequently the toilets quickly be came know as Brown Water Resort.

During the 1-2 race there was action of a different nature, Dave "hard wood" Harward(porcupine/specialized) got off the front.. He dangle there for 60+ mile before becoming mesmerized by the Merman of the lake. That merman was no other than Ryan "turdbo" Barrett(canyon development).

In the final miles Turbo, Sam"no-doze"Krieg(ice), Ben"shrim on tha barbi"King(fly V australia), Eric"shaggy"Flynn(ffkr/sbo), Todd"haggard man"hageman(cole sport), Sohmy(porcupine/specialized), Nate Page(mi duole/barbacoa), and Camzilla got off the front..and stayed away. Somehow those guy got out sprinted by Barret... as he crossed the line Ryan was hear yelling "suck it L'autobus! I'm funnier than you'll ever be".

Master racing was pretty quiet, with Mark Zimbleman taking the weekend off Bountiful Mazda was free to race as team and without incident. Apparently the older guys interpret the yellow line rule differently. When there is no yellow line, they all ride on the LEFT side of the road. They almost all got killed by a pickup pulling a horse trailer. The pickup truck driver was not happy and gunned it right at the group.

In the 4's Eric Gardiner took the win, looks like he has changed teams.. and his thigh highs have been revoked. Speaking of switching teams, Tyler Riedesel isn't such a kuhl guy anymore, now he rides with Canyon development. Hopeful Turbo can teach him how to crit...If the team doesn't over throw his reign as Manager. Eric Moore was "Moore" than disappointed about having his bike yanked out from under him prior to the state crit.. it did lead to his own Master Card commercial though..
Tatts McGee made the move from Cyclesmith to Porcupine/specialized.. and got his Cat2... hope you're ready.

Travis"t-pain"Horton(ffkr/sbo) was recently seen exiting the offices of Dr. Max Testicles. Apparently Horton has been experiencing a leg imbalance, this picture(above) from the downtown crit shows the drastic measures taken to correct the problem. Sorry ladies he's married.

No-Man's Land
The 1-2 ladies like it hard and fast, Bear lake did not disappoint. In the later part of the race a brake formed containing KK(pcim), Kris"cross" Walker(ice), Laura"to hot"Howat(ski utah), Nisie"peanut butter cup"Antacle(pcim) and Margaret"kirk"Douglas(ski utah). Walker refused to work, Nisie was about to read Walker the riot act but was quickly put in her place by captain KK..rrr! fight! Walker went up the road for a few kilometers but was brought back into the break by the Cat5 field who kindly drafted the other ladies up to her. On the line Walker got her way and the Victory..ouch ladies.
Sources tell me that the Cat4 ladies seemed to be taking cues from L'autobus. They're minding their P's and Q's and even pretending to pull through on the front.. Speaking of being on the front...several of the Ski Utah women got in a scratching, hair pulling fight at the post race raffle for a date with Gardie"gigolo"Jackson(cole sport). All is well as they agreed on an "group date" as long as each takes a turn at the front.
I guess there's drama in the ladies mountain bike scene but nobody cares, mountain biking is just something we do in the fall to pass the time... why do you think all the best mtb racers turned to road.. cause the dirt is boring.

Cat5 Tattoo

It seem obvious that Skullcandy/JSA architects has the strongest team in the 4's, those guys play team tactics and attack the race like crazy. 4's if you haven't figured it out yet.. let me hip you to it.. Skullcandy is your free ride to victory. Get in a break with one of those guys, They'll work their ass off and they're always just blown enough to not get the W.

Love me or hate me you know you want to read me..L'autobus is like reality TV or a car wreck.. you just cant' tear yourself away..Keep sending the dirt to .

see you at the Crits this weekend. If you're pissed cause you're going out of town and missing Sugarhouse, be double pissed cause now we got Jordanelle crit and that looks like a winner...oh yeah and your gonna slip down the UCA points ranking.. boo whoo.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Donkeys, circle jerks and training wheels.. thats your state crit

From the Team Car
Crits, the perfect place for getting the scoop. People are always lingering around post race talking about their highs or lows, who did what and how sketchy it was. Tensions run high and every corner is an opportunity for drama.

For the 12k dream team the drama started pre race with an inter team struggle. Mike(sleevie) Booth's bike came down with a broken shifter just hours before the race. The team director(turbo) decided that since Sleeve-O is the team star and since Erik Moore rides the same size bike, Moore would give up his bike and his race. Hard time for Moore but Sleevie did deliver on the finish line.

In the 1-2 race 50 guys threw down for a 1.5 hr circle jerk. According to some "it was not terribly fast from the start" others had their tongues on their top tubes. 30 minutes in, a group got of the front, it contained Dave "hard wood" Harward, Tanner "baby face"Putt, Sleevie, Ali "socks" Goulet, Sohmy, Clinger and a few guys without cool nicknames. Socks and Hard Wood were putting in attacks with the hope of dislodging Clinger, it worked. Clinger came loose, dangling in no mans land for a few laps.. not the no mans land full of cat4 pirate hookers, just caught between the break and the peloton. Anyway the break eventually lapped the field..This is when it got interesting.

Sources tell me that Goulet(ffkr-sbo)won't shut up in the group, I never got an exact quote but apparently he was all worked up about something, riding around front of the field braying like an ass.
It could have been Tyler Riedesel(kuhl) that had Goulet all worked up, from what I hear Tyler was bouncing off jersey barriers and riding in un-funny ways, Riedesel was hell bent on tenth place, trying his hardest to get off the front in the last few laps. In the end Canyon Development and FFKR-SBO came to the front to drive it for Cameron"camzilla" Hoffman(bikers edge) who took the state crit title with almost no teammates... Mike Booth(canyon development) and Ali Goulet(ffkr-sbo) were second and third losers respectively.

The 3's saw a three man break get free in the later half of the race, and that was the race. Justin"tatts mcgee"Healy(cyclesmith), Eric "ET" Thompson(ski utah) and Jeremy "no nick name" Collins took turns in the break till the final laps, at which point Tatts Mcgee solo-ed to the win. Later my sources overheard Healy and friends speculating on who writes L'autobus and Justin was quoted as saying "I'm making L'autobus for sure", and there you go, immortalized on the interweb for all eternity, nick name and the whole 9.

For the second week in row Dave Cole(skullcandy) put on his dunce cap... Winning the second to last lap of the 35+B race Apparently Cole thought the race was over and crossed the line arms raised with a lap yet to go. Mark Rosello(porcupine cycling) took the win but Coles actions were the best part of the race..hands down.

in the master's 45+, Bountiful Mazda continued their intrasquad rivalry. Mark Zimbelman tried to reduce the competition by crashing before the race and taking down Zan Treasure, who could only bunny-hop half-way over him. It was no use, as Zan, riding one handed due to his injuries, was able to lead out Gary Swain(bountiful mazda) and Jeff Ure(bountiful mazda)for first and second in the 45+. Apparently racing the 35s and 45s together is not the best idea, as reports said there were lots of crashes and confusion. Or maybe it was Zan's one-handed riding causing the crashes.

No-Man's Land
The womens Cat 1-2-3 race was boring, it wasn't slow or lacking in attacks, but to my knowledge no one got punched in the butt or called a bitch.. snoozers!.. Tiff Pezullo(dft/treads) did however over come a her against the world scenario to become state champ with Kirsten "KK" Kotval(pcim) and Laura Howat(ski utah) in 2nd and 3rd.

Stephanie "caddy cathy" Falls(i.c.e.)won the ladies 4-5 group. I didn't see the race but I would imagine she used her skills to dominate the field.. sit on the break, pretending to be tired, curse out her breakaway companions and then out sprint them for the win... she's ready to race with the big girls.

Congratulations are in order for Tyler Wall(ski utah) junior 17-18 state champ, he blew the training wheels off the competition as a warm up for his cat3 race. Even if you only finish 27th in the 3's its time to stop going to the sandbox to kick sand in the kids eyes.. good thing Connor O'leary(ffkr-sbo) didn't line up!

Dirt merchant Brandon Cross(cannondale-monavie) was shoe in for the cat5 state title. Cross regularly finishes in the top ten of Icup pro races but proved that even Cat5's can hand it to mountain dorks. You can be a full on mountain bike pro but you'll never be able to win a roadie race cause your leg hair has to much drag. Mike Luper(skullcandy) did the right thing, letting Cross wear himself out on the front of the race and then pimping him on the last lap to take the state title.

Cat5 Tattoo
One of my readers sent this pic.

This is the new spokes-calf for LOTOJA. The slogan for the 2010 edition will be- "LOTOJA once you do it you get a calf tatt". You know what happens, as soon as you tattoo your ladies name on your body, you're destined to break up... I bet this calf hasn't had a good lotoja since the tattoo... If you know who's calf this is, comment and you'll win a prize.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

There's something salty in my mouth, its the State Crit predictions

From the Team Car

Who knew the Brine Shrimp Stampede was a spring classic! Driving rain, sleet and cold temps... nothing short of epic. The early groups had it the worst, multiple people visited the medics due to hypothermia and the road were so wet if you rode slicks you were getting dropped for sure. Another thing that plagued the morning groups, the Sarlacc Pit. In a twisty section of the course was a huge puddle full of murky water, within that lay a gaping pot hole. Sources tell me many a man was lost in there only to be digested over an eternity. Kevin Wilde(porcupine-specialized) was the only man to go into the pit and live ride a pick-up truck across the finish line
The causeway proved to be the launching point for many of the first moves. The 4's let a break go there.. the group contained Bryce Young(binghams) Dave Cole(skullcandy) Brooks Steveson(wright) and Richard Hurst(?). These guys would have been first to the line had they not been directed to do another lap. No matter though, During the protest period it was decided that the break would get 1st-4th. Nice!... if you were in the break but harsh for Reed wycoff(contender)and the rest of what used to be the podium...Looks like Reed wont be getting his upgrade yet.

Master 45+ also saw a break go up the road on the causeway, Jeff Clawson(cayon bicycles draper) Mark Zimbleman(Bountiful Mazda) and Glen Adams(porcupine-specialized) took their 3man break all the way to the finish line where Zimbleman held his hands high. Source tell me that John McKone(cole Sport) and Dirk Cowley(FFKR-SBO) were trying to get off the front of the peloton, but their attacks were easily covered. One master commented "He's a little bit old now" and "his attacks don't have much sting". I think Dirk has plenty of sting, he probably just left most of it at the registration table.

Clint Carter(ski utah) and TJ Eisenhart(ffkr-sbo) tried their luck with a break in the 3's. They were eventually brought back into the fold. Clint later revealed he wasn't able to get a draft off TJ -" the wind was coming right over him and hitting me square in the chest". In the final miles of the race Eric Thompson(ski utah) made his bid for the win with a solo brake, ET looked to have it in the bag but flatted in the final kilometers...
As always the real racing was in the 1-2 field. By the end of the causeway a four man group had formed. Connor"hagus" O'leary(ffkr-sbo), Gardie"gigolo" Jackson(cole sport), Jesse"fish-sticks" Gordon(porcupine-specialized) and Eric"less" Moore(canyon development) were the right combination to go up the road. The break lead for most of the race without the cooperation of Moore who wouldn't pull through... eventually Moore became much less and was shucked from the group like the husk off an ear of corn... Moore blew so hard he didn't even show up on the results.. or maybe his loosing time chip didn't register?
Back in the groupetto there was really no where to hide, lap after lap the wind and the hills were showing who had been training and who should consider a down grade. By the time the 1-2's hit the ranch road the race was more strung out than a state street hooker. A lead group of 6 stayed together till the final kilometer, out of which Ryan Barret(canyon development) took the win with Dave Harward(porcupine-specialized) in second and Tanner Putt(cole sport) in 3rd... Chase Pinkham(canyon development) held on for 4th and probably would have done better if he could sprint.
No-Man's Land
Most of Utah's fem fetals were off racing the Gila... Alisha Welsh was one such lady. Welsh held down a fine 3rd on stage1. That night Alisha was seen partying with none other than Mellow Johnny himself

During call ups the next day, she was asked about her previous result, to which she replied "yesterdays race"... later in the week her husband showed up unexpectedly.. Surprise!

Pole Riders

Even though I'm totally illiterate people still want to know what I'm writing and so the Church of the Big Ring has invited me into the congregation... man! road nerds are pissed.

The results are in- Daren Cottle(porcupine-specialized) will stay a Road Weenie, 59% of riders poled wanted him to "dangle off the front"

As for state crit predictions, the people voted and these are the results.

Cat-1,2: 1st-Turdbo, 2nd-Top $, 3rd-Foamy, 4th-Hagus.. interestingly enough Barret received almost as many votes for "winer" as he did for winner.

Cat-3: 1st-Extra Testicle, 2nd- Red Harrington, and "winer" Danger Moore.

Ladies Cat-4's: 1st-Viginia Kuntzwilde was the only female to get a vote.

Ladies Cat-1-2-3: 1st- Tiff P, 2nd- Kirsten K.

Masters 45+: 1st-Claw, "winer" Mckone

Cat-4's: 1st-Sandbags, 2nd-Chick magnet, 3rd-Dunce Cap

Cat5 Tattoo
It's funny how cyclist can spend all this time on training and fancy wheels but when it comes to pinning a race # on even the best of them can be totally retarded.

These are classic! (1) just completely wrong side!. (2) I'll wear my raincoat, sure my # is covered but that's why I have a timing chip. (3) I'm totally dyslexic. (4) If you're wearing a team kit you should at least have a clue about # placement, even if you're dressed like a citizens racer.(5) Chantel doesn't have her race # showing but at least she has her crit series #... that's helpful. (6) This guy obviously cares about his training(SRM) his coach should schedule some Pin-tervals so he can get his #'s right.

And I'm spent!... check back next week for tasty nuggets from the edible diaper that is Utah Cycling. As always dish your dirt to

And ladies, tired of not being ridiculed? give me something to work with.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Winners and Whiners Poll, Cast your Vote!

The State crit is this coming weekend, I'm stirring the pot.. grab the ladle and cast your vote!

Winer= loading up on antioxidants post race, wine is cheaper than Mona-vie and more fun to drink!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Canyon wins R.A.A.M. and Ida-Hoes better have my money

From the Team Car
The cycling gods were kind to us this weekend, to bad the cyclist did not follow their lead. In Cat2 news Eric Slack(bob's bicycles) took the win.. after the race Eric was quoted as saying " its like taking candy from a baby" and "Utah tactics are no match for my watts".

Brad Cannon(Midoule/Barbacoa)was off on a solo break during East Canyon. Once reeled in he was heard cursing the group down, saying something about race tactics... I know his teammates didn't chase him down, they had flats, So I can't figure what his complaint was.... If you've ever watched VS. you know the break always gets chased down...

In Cat3's Dustin Thiel(Contender) out sprinted the lead group for the win, every week sees a new winner and a new first loser.. losers stay in the 3's and winners upgrade.

Despite Skullcandy's efforts to soften up the young kids, the kids still had their day. Young guns from Cole sport took control of the race on the final climb and destroyed their senior Cat4 racers, 1st Zack Simons(cole sport) 2nd Tanner Cottle(specialized porcupine). Apparently Karsten Shumway(spin cycle) is Le Patron of the Cat4's. during East Canyon Shumway was trying to control the peloton accusing Skullcandy of attacking while someone had flatted...News Flash, no one knows or cares what happens at the back..Its not a stage race with a GC leader, the strongest 4 could flat and no one is obligated to wait for him..

Speaking of taking control, the 5's had some funny issues. On the final climb a ten man break formed. When two teammates tried to to get a rotation going, they were shut down by a lone triathlete, the verbal exchange was so heated they almost came to blows at the finish....Bike, Bitch, Punch..i guess.

In the Masters 45+ teams were at odds, primarily Bountiful Mazda. Jeff Ure(bountiful mazda) was sitting 2nd in the UCA standings and was hoping for the support of his teammates to take over the leaders jersey. Mid race Mark Zimbleman(bountiful mazda) decided to take the glory himself, stating "Our focus is not on the jersey". That what I love about the masters, they say what they feel and If they haven't had a nap they're grumpy.

Talk about being grumpy John McCone(Cole sport) was growling at everyone post race, he had flatted mid race and lost his chance to defend last years EC victory.

No-Man's Land
Daren "throttle" Cottle wrote me this email.

"While I’m flattered my little blog is listed on the site, I’m deeply hurt that Tanner and I are listed under “Road Weenies”. I’m all about the dirt and go out of my way to avoid being a Road Weenie. You’ll see me with egg beater pedals on my road bike, a visor on my helmet and completely unable to hold a straight line in a group. I intentionally ride off the shoulder in the gravel in road races just to feel more comfortable. I’m probably going to ride my single chain ring cross bike at East Canyon. Road racing has only two purposes: 1 - Training for dirt racing and 2 – Enjoying the entertainment value of the drama first hand. Please, please move me to the Dirt section of the list. I’m beginning to have suicidal thoughts just looking at the blog page. My life is in your hands."
If you race 90% on the road that makes you a road dork right? even if you pretend your passion is the dirt?
Should I move him to Dirt Merchants? It's the reader call..

Brandi Gorden(ski utah) is known to have crushes on racer guys, she also worships Rammstein. Recently she wrote in her blog about tagging along on a ride with Ali Goulet(FFKRarchitectsSBO)..her blog details getting "popped" on a climb but recovering. Sources tell me that Goulet was dragging his kid around that weekend.. funny no mention of a trailer in Brandy's blog post. I didn't see Ali at EC perhaps this blog post is some indication of his where abouts.

"We used to have this thing, my clique and I during school. 2 guys, 4 girls that when one of us died, the rest would eat them, then the next that would die, the rest would eat him or her. And so on and so on, so that the last person left, would have EVERYONE of us inside him or her.."-Brandy

Operation Puerto?
Sources tell me that Dirt Merchant Matt "indohran" Ohran(monavie-cannondale) had received un-marked meds just days prior to the road race at Tour of the Depot. Matt had been feeling tired so his doctor prescribed him "iron" pills..those close to Ohran reported the pills being free of markings of any sort...and of course he felt great during the road race

Speaking of partying, Anthony Johnson(FFKRarchitectsSBO) is moving to Las Vegas to pursue a career as a male stripper.

Cat5 Tattoo
R.A.A.M is over, Canyon won it.. This guy was spotted last week doing victory laps around Central Park.. they say its a good idea to train on your full on race ride sometimes.. I'll give this guy the benefit of the doubt.

That's a wrap folks, ladies I need your dirt . See you at the races!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tomika visits PC and LOTOJA, worst race ever?

From the Team Car
No race last weekend, what do you if you're a racer with a free weekend? Spend it with family?Hell no! Area teams were out dancing with the angels on every climb from Lehi to Farmington. Each team looking for their Conta-doper to support for Saturdays 300 Warriors@ yeast canyon. If you're not one of the 300 it's not to late.

Not spotted out training was Gardie Jackson, Jackson was busy celebrating with Tomika. Apparently Tomika dipped into PC to celebrate his Roubaix win.

I hear there is Beef in the Masters fields. It doesn't surprise me, those guys are cranky. Someone dish the dirt....I'm not olde enough to reach the inner sanctum of this mens group.

Feed Zone

USU is in the feed zone but they don't need the musette...their bellies are full. It seems USU has taken a huge bite from Ali "socks"Goulet's sock style. The UCI would impose a 60 doinklet fine,

Knee high socks are just poor form on the road, 1-cyclocross is a fruit cake sport where guys regularly dress in drag, so Goulet's knee high stockings are passable and B-there is no room for freedom of expression on the road. The only thing that should separate you from the rest of us is your team hold your line and keep your legs shaved!

Race Doctor

Dirt merchant Mitchell Peterson had a visit from the Doc. this weekend. Turns out California is hot. While racing the Sea Rat Classic, Peterson suffered heat stroke...To look at this guy, I would assume he suffers heat stroke every time the lights come on.

Cat5 Tattoo
Lajoka gets the cat5 tattoo, more like the Red badge of Courage. I could go three different ways with my feelings about LOTOJA but i think the image above sums it up..... It's something to talk about around the water cooler at work, "I'm getting my nutrition dialed for lotaja".

Got someting to say? let your voice be heard, leave a comment. If you haven't read the comments from last week, Do yourself a favor have a good laugh.

As always if you got the dirt, dish it to or leave it in the comments.